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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

By Donna Parkman (me)
A parody of the poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas” by Clement C. Moore

The Spirit of Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all we could see
Was the wreck of the presents unwrapped ‘neath the tree.
The stockings which hung from the chimney with care
Were missing, the mantel now empty and bare.

The tree, how it twinkled, was down on its side.
The star, not so merry, was cracked open wide.
The ornaments, so lovely, now covered the floor.
We stood with our jaws dropped and shut the front door.

The moon, as it shone on the living room rug,
Convinced me that this was the work of a thug.
Then what to my wondering eyes should appear
But our dogs wearing tinsel and smiles ear to ear.

The pups had been nestled all snug in their beds.
Their bones and their toys were encircling their heads.
We were gone only moments, not more than an hour
Now our holiday joy had gone suddenly sour.

The dogs had been good, they had both earned our trust.
Now the damage was done, expectations now crushed.
But they did not know what they’d done had been bad.
They were just having fun, so we could not be mad.

Their joy was contagious, they danced all around.
They were happy to see us, we could not feel down.
We gathered them up and we gave them both kisses,
And told them we know when we’re gone that they miss us.

We righted the tree, the star hung in two pieces.
The stockings were found all intact, but with creases.
The ornaments, lovely once, now were all broken,
But any mad thoughts that we had went unspoken.

The season’s for family and those we hold dear;
For giving and sharing with those far and near.
The doggies reminded us stuff is just stuff.
The spirit of Christmas is love is enough.

In anticipation of decorating our tree and Bayley’s (the goldendoodle) first Christmas, I started envisioning the worst possible scenario that could happen. This poem is my nightmare.

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Bayley’s Zombie Army

As you can see she goes right for the brain to immediately subjugate them to her will.

New Recruit

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Bayley the Goldendoodle turned 1 year old over the weekend. A couple of our best friends were staying the weekend, so we decided to throw a party.

This is an interesting photo, as the short dog on the right looks like a long haired basset hound. She is Mayzie, the Bearded Collie. She actually sits about as tall as Bayley, but she is trying (and fairly successfully) to make herself disappear.

Bayley, on the other hand, thinks it is all great fun. Well, she thinks EVERYTHING is great fun.

Here are the doggie birthday cakes. They are made of a slice of FreshPet Refrigerated Dog Food and iced with mashed potatoes.

Yum Yum Eat ‘Em up. (This reference is probably lost on most all of you born after 1960. It was from a hilarious episode of The Little Rascals in which the Wild Man of Borneo terrorized all the kids by chasing them around and chanting the one phrase that he knew how to say. He actually was looking for candy which he loved, but the kids thought he wanted to eat them.)

The “cakes” soon made their way to the floor where the “icing” was smeared all over the place.

I’m not quite sure what Bayley thought of the tiara. The expression looks a bit disdainful, doesn’t it?

Maybe this sums up what she truly thought of it all.

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Chicks Arrival

After the July Bear attack that diminished our little flock of 4 chickens by two, we decided to get some replacement chicks. I found a hatchery that would mail as few as three chicks so I ordered three Golden Comet chicks, the same hybrid breed that we currently have. They arrived on August 7 as day old chicks.

After brooding them for 3 weeks in our bathroom…..

Rubbermaid Brooder

we happily moved them to more spacious quarters in the garage.

The Flying Saucer

They are now 10 weeks old and nearly full grown. They have outgrown the spaceship and are ready to move out to the outdoor coop.

Chalet Poulet

We have raised up three sets of chicks now, but we have never tried to integrate new chickens into an existing flock. It can be a tricky thing to do. It is very stressful for both humans and birds alike and can even be brutal. They call it the pecking order for a reason. We followed some common advice and divided the coop in half with chicken wire.

The Road Warrior installs a divider

I had to crawl in the run to fit the bottom board. I was soon accompanied by the two hens quite curious about the new occupant.

Bock, bock, bock, bock, BaGawk!!

The coop is divided both on top and bottom. We plan to keep the birds separated for about three weeks and by then we hope that they will be used to each other and can live together peaceably.

A House Divided

With the two older hens now safely ensconced in their half of the coop, they were clearly not pleased with the new interior design.

Yikes! Matha Stewart’s been here!

We introduced the 3 new chicks into the upper roost first….

These chicks are “chicken”

But after an hour, they were still reluctant to venture down into the brave new world.

Ever wonder where the pejorative term “chicken” came from?

Finally I gave them a nudge and pushed them down the stairs. The original hens were now REALLY incensed about this new living arrangement. You know the expression “mad as a wet hen?” Well here is what one sounds like.

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Have you ever wondered when watching America’s Funniest Videos, how it is that someone has a camera ready and running to capture all that unlikely footage? Whenever anything filmworthy happens around here, there is no camera anywhere nearby, much less on and recording when the award winning action is going on.

Two cases in point:
Last week, I headed down to the barn for the morning llama feeding and chores. My two dogs, Bayley the Goldendoodle, and Mayzie the Bearded Collie always accompany me for a romp down the road and hangout in the pasture as I do my farm duties. Bayley is still a puppy, a nine month old cross between two hunting breeds, the Golden Retriever and a Standard Poodle. She has been enrolled in continuing education since the age of 10 weeks, and she has gotten much better about minding me on some things, but when she catches sight or the scent of a wild animal, the prey drive kicks in and a cannon would not deter her from the chase.

On this particular morning, as soon as I opened the gate to the pasture, Bayley shot off toward the back fence. There I saw two does grazing inside the pasture. When they saw Bayley barreling in their direction, one of the deer immediately jumped the back fence and was gone. The other deer started running along the length of the back fence in the direction of the corner post. Bayley was in hot pursuit.

Often seen view of deer grazing in pasture


Now mind you, Bayley gets a great thrill from the chase, but wouldn’t know what to do if she caught something. The most amazing thing happened. I watched as the deer sped toward the side fence line expecting her to fly over, but instead, she ran headlong straight into the fence. BONK… She hit the rail head first and was knocked flat on her side.

Bayley stood back in astonishment. She didn’t know what to do. She just wanted the deer to run, and it was down for the count. Within a few seconds, the deer recovered its senses and stood up totally befuddled. She knew she needed to escape, but Bayley had her blocked in. She made a mad dash, bolting right over Bayley and ran for all she was worth toward the opposite end of the pasture. Bayley loped along behind her until the doe jumped the far fence and was gone.

Now wouldn’t you like to have gotten that on film?

The second case in point: The dogs have a favorite outside toy; a Jolly Ball on a rope. This is an 8 inch rubber ball attached to a length of rope. Bayley and Mayzie love to play tug of war with it. My husband, who will henceforth be referred to as Road Warrior (he commutes 66 miles each way on I-66 to DC) took the dogs out for their evening constitutional. Bayley grabbed the ball by the rope and started running around with it swinging her head from side to side, causing the ball to swing in an ever widening arc. The ball started whacking her on the side of the head. She’d swing her head left, and whack, the ball would hit her in the head; she’d swing her head right, and whack, the ball would hit her on the right side of her head. She did this for 8 or 10 times, and finally the ball got enough momentum that it hit her in the head hard enough to knock her down. Bamm! Flat on her side. It took a couple of seconds for her to gather her wits and get up, grab the ball and start running with it again.

Now, not only would I have loved to get this on video, I would love to have seen it with my own eyes. As it is, when I think about it, I see a video playing in my mind’s eye, and it makes me laugh. Too bad I can’t share this with the world.

(A re-creation)


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Barn Frog

Most of you are familiar with the Barn Cat. It helps rid the barn of mice and rats. We have one of those. But we are also extremely fortunate to have a barn frog to protect us from those vicious crickets. Looks like he’s been very effective.

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Having a bear wreck our chicken coop a few days ago, reminded me of a funny bear story that happened several years ago. This was right after we dug our pond and stocked it with fish. When we bought the fish it was a virgin pond. Well that’s not quite true, cause about a million frogs had sex down there. A billion eggs hatched into tadpoles. Now it’s a cacophony of frog song in the evening, everything from the deep bruppppp of the bullfrog, to the high ddrrtttttt of the tree frogs. Anyway, there was nothing for the fish to eat, so we installed an automatic fish feeder.

I did a lot of research online to find this thing. Now there are a lot of automatic deer feeders. These are for the intrepid hunters that set one of these up in the woods to train the deer to come every day to feed. Then they sit in a tree and blow Bambi away. These could work as a fish feeder, but they are designed to throw the feed in a 360 degree pattern. We were mounting it to the front of the dock and didn’t want the food spraying on the wood, but I finally found one that had been designed just as a fish feeder and had a directional sprayer. It wasn’t cheap, but was compact and not too ugly. The food container was made of a heavy grade plastic, and the lid just slipped on the top. No positive lock. So the first modification was to install spring lock screen door latches on each side of the lid to keep raccoons, etc. from opening it. We knew it would never withstand an onslaught from a bear, but hoped we would not have to prove it. It worked great for a couple of months. It had a solar eye that sensed the time of day and dispensed food an hour after dawn and an hour before sunset. Then one day……

The plastic container was mangled. The motor mechanism was metal and unharmed. So we started thinking about food boxes that would be bear proof that we could attach the motor to. While pondering on this, we stopped by the co-op, and saw that they had one of the deer feeders for sale. This one was a simple 6 gallon metal bucket with a metal lid that crimps down, just like a big paint bucket. This one was a stylish camo design, to boot. We examined the lid and decided that there was no way the bear could pry the lid off short of carrying his own screwdriver. So we bought it.

Next came the second of many modifications in the creation of a bear proof feeder. Tim mounted it on the original 4×4 post (somewhat chewed), but since this was a deer feeder, it sprayed food in a complete circle. Tim devised a deflector by attaching a curved piece of plastic to keep it from spraying on the dock (actually half of a Clorox bottle). The next day the bear came back. He couldn’t open the pail, so he chewed the post some more, and pulled the deflector off. It was floating on the pond. Tim retrieved the deflector and put it back on. This scene repeated itself for several more days. The post getting smaller and smaller, and the deflector eventually getting lost. Meanwhile, we hit on the idea of an ammo box to hold the food.

Bear Proof Fish Feeder with Bonus Attack Owl

Modification 3. Tim cut a hole in the bottom of the ammo box, mounted the original directional motor, installed a slide in the box to direct the feed into the shute, drilled holes in the side to mount to the 4 x 4 post, speaking of which, was now only about a 3 x 2. So mod 4, Tim sent me to the metal salvage yard where I found a 3 inch diameter iron pipe. He mounted it with U shaped brackets to the dock and then to the ammo box. Perfect. Solid. No way a bear is getting into this. So we sat back and waited. Next morning we’re standing in the kitchen looking down at the pond, and lo and behold, there is the bear standing on the dock examining the new puzzle box. He’s just a young guy, maybe 2 years old. I’m watching him through the binoculars, and Tim is watching through the 10 inch telephoto lens on the camera snapping pictures.

The bear seemed to be very gentle while we were watching him. He’d put his paw into the slot to try to retrieve any pellets that may be sitting in there. But after about 5 minutes, he moseyed on. Next morning, however, we noticed that the bear had rotated the feeder on the pole so that the dispensing shute was directed right onto the dock. Pretty clever bear. Tim had to use all of his body weight to shift the feeder back around. Every morning, we would find it in the same position. So we had to put our heads together to find a fix for this new problem. It obviously takes 2 of our brains to outsmart “the av-er-age bear”.

Mod 5. Tim drilled a hole through the iron post and into the ammo box and inserted a huge bolt. Eureka-The invention of a bear proof fish feeder!! The bear was never able to raid the food box again, but he apparently got frustrated over the situation, and on 3 occasions, tossed our metal benches into the pond in an act of revenge.

The same day we photographed him down on the dock, he paid his first visit to our chickens. He climbed the fence into the back yard where we keep the coop. He wasn’t interested in the chickens, thank goodness, but he wanted the food that we had stored in a large Rubbermaid deck box where we keep the chicken supplies. Again, we had used one of our screen door latches to keep the lid closed, and he couldn’t get it open, so he rolled the box until the hinges popped open. He couldn’t get the lid off of the smaller food box, so he just took it with him.

We then installed an electric wire along the top of the fence to keep him from climbing over.

Various fish feeders and modifications —cost $275
1 Rubbermaid storage box and 50 lbs of chicken feed —-cost $50
Electric wire installed around top of back yard fence —-cost $195
Mental image of bear’s expression when he puts his paws on the hot wire —-priceless

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Last summer, I wrote about the deer eating our decorative pond plants along the banks of our pond.

Caught in the act


The deer waded out and snipped off every leaf of our Purple Pickerel right at the water line and left the leaf stalk floating. It completely killed the beautiful plants that had flourished there for the last 5 years.

We were pleased that a few stray volunteers had established themselves on the edge of our island. They looked very pretty there this spring, the purple spikes contrasting with the burnt orange of the daylilies. We knew that they would be safe from the marauding deer since they were, after all, on the island.

A couple of days ago, we noticed one patch of the pickerels cut and floating on the water. We repositioned the game camera to catch the culprit.

As you can see from this series of photos, the deer climbs down the bank, swims over to the island, climbs out of the water, and heads over to the over side of the island to chomp off the remaining leaves.

Caught on Camera

Anybody looking?


Holding my nose… Here I go.


Doing the deer paddle


Now I’ll just climb up the bank…..


Nothing like dinner on the island.

What is so perplexing is that the deer doesn’t seem to be eating the leaves. She just nips them off at the base and leaves the mess for us to clean up.
We launched the garbage scow, our little paddle wheeler, and peddled over to the island with a pond rake and gathered up the wreckage. Go figure!

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Nuh uhn. Not me. I wasn’t eating your flowers. That’s just a piece of spinach stuck between my teeth.

Caught in the act

Yumm

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You know the old adage, “Be careful what you wish for”? Take heed.

Sitting at the kitchen bar night before last, we were finishing up supper and gazing out over our pastures which are now cooked. After 2 months of drought and recent triple digit temperatures, everything is gasping for breath and grasping for life. Even Mother Nature’s woodland creatures are suffering in the heat.

Geez, it’s hot!

We couldn’t figure out where all the humming bird juice was going, as we haven’t seen one hummer all season. Mystery solved.

As the sun started to disappear behind the mountains, and twilight settled in, we saw flashes of lightning over the hills. It was the most amazing natural light display we have ever seen. DH commented that it looked like a scene from “War of the Worlds”, and it did. It was a constant flickering of light that illuminated the sky and cast the hills and trees in silhouette.

The storm was still a great distance away, as we couldn’t hear any thunder. But it was the closest thing to a chance of rain that we had seen in weeks. I casually commented that I would sacrifice an “hour of power” for an inch of rain. Within five minutes the house was in total darkness.

For almost an hour, we stood in the doorway and marveled at the majestic light show. We live in a valley, circled on all sides by mountain ridges. We were surrounded by the storm and had a 360 degree view of the display. The lightning flashes were so bright that at times the meadow was lit like daylight.

Night Sky

The night sky is as dark as the inside of a cave. Then….

Zowie!!

In the course of the next hour, we received ¼ inch of rain. In exchange, we were without power for 24 hours, woke up to fallen limbs littering the whole property, temps over 100 degrees, and no air conditioning. Not a fair trade Mother Nature. Shame on you.

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